Normal or not, that is the question.

These past 2 weeks have been quite a ride.

For those of you who follow me on facebook know I am talking about Landon's "head thing" as we call it.

It all started on new years eve. I was at my moms house and she was holding Landon in a sitting position on her lap. He all of the sudden started bobbling his head. It was very strange. He did it a couple of times and my mom and I agreed we should probably take him to immediate care to get it checked out. The Dr that saw him that day said it was nothing to worry about, and we went on our merry little way.

On January 20th, he was jumping in his jumpee and he was looking up at the fan (he has always been fascinated with fans and light fixtures) when he started doing the head thing again. Only this time, it looked worse because his eyes were looking up and he was bobbing his head from side to side. Throughout the night, he did it more and more. Austin and I decided to take him back to the immediate care. Once again, the Dr said it was nothing. Landon even did the head thing for the Dr and he still said it was nothing. I wasn't so convinced. The next day I took him to his pediatrician and he said he thought it was "Spasmus Nutans" which is a typically harmful disorder that he will grow out of. He then said he wanted a second opinion and scheduled us with a neurologist. I did some research on "Spasmus Nutans" and even watched videos and it doesn't seem like that's what he has. In fact, a description stated that in order to be diagnosed with spasmus nutans, one must display nystagmus (rapid eye movement back and forth, it is also the main symptom) which Landon does not have.

I thought I figured it out when I discovered the medication he was on (singulair) causes dizziness. I immediately stopped giving it to him thinking that was it. It has been a week without it and he is still doing "the head thing."

I've spent the last week pouring over thousands of websites and videos trying to find something that looks/sounds like what Landon is doing, but I have come up empty handed. There are moments when he does it that it almost looks normal, but then there are other moments that when he does it, something in my gut is telling me that it just doesn't look right. The funny thing is, he mainly does it when looking up, (but also does it other times.) He is very responsive and sometimes even smiles while doing it, will stop if you distract him, and sometimes moves his shoulders along with his head. It seriously looks like he is dizzy and is moving his head in a circle.

The neurologist we are scheduled to see wanted to do an EEG today to rule out any seizures. The tech had to give him a dose and a half of the sedating medicine in order to get him to sleep. Needless to say, he was acting pretty drunk when he awoke this evening. Whats weirder is it seems like his head thing got worse when he was on this medicine. I just don't know. We go back Monday to actually see the Neurologist and he will give us the results then. You have no idea how anxious I am about it. I keep going over scenarios in my head about what he will say. "He is perfectly healthy, he will outgrow this eventually." "His EEG results came back a little on the iffy side, we want to run more tests," "Your son has (insert horrible disease,) he will never be normal" I mean you can imagine I am driving myself crazy.

Since reading all this info on websites, I am also now watching Landon's every move questioning "Is that NORMAL?!" "Do NORMAL babies do that?!" Its crazy. Like today I noticed Landon has found his right hand, he will look at while putting his thumb and pointer finger together like its the most fascinating thing, then he will move on to something else. Is it normal for a 7 month old to stare at his hand while moving it?

I love my son more than words can even say. He is my world. I am being honest when I say, if they tell me something is really wrong with him, I will be destroyed. I know things could be worse, and I know God is doing this for a reason, maybe he is testing me, maybe he knows I'm stronger than i think I am. I am just waiting for the day that this will all be over and we can go on raising our child normally (if there is such a thing.) For now, all I can do is pray that God will have answers for us on Monday and we can move on. Even if the answers aren't what we want, I am praying for the strength to go on.

Worry Wart

If you really know me, you know that I constantly worry about absolutely everything. Now add a baby to the mix and my worrying has drastically increased. For those of you fellow mommies, you know what I'm talking about.

Landon hates tummy time. He will not push him self up on his arms, or do "baby push-ups." He has yet to consistently roll over. He has a big flat spot on the back of his head. Of course, I am having major anxiety about all these things. And of course, I am comparing him to every other 6 month old I come across, which I know, is the worst thing I could do. Every thought you can think of crosses my mind, "What if something is wrong with him," "What if I had something to do with it," What if his head stays that way forever, will other kids make fun of him?" "I will be absolutely crushed and devastated if something is wrong." Of course my rational mind knows that every baby develops at their own rate, but I can't help but worry.

He had his 6 month well baby check today. He is in the 49th percentile for weight, 82nd for height, and 92nd for his head circumference. It's funny because at my 31 week sono, they told me he was going to have a big head, and of course, I was freaked out. At his check up, the Dr. said Landon is perfectly healthy. He is sitting up, grabbing things, vocalizing. He said I probably shouldn't expect Landon to walk early, probably around 13 months, which is hard for me to believe, when I walked at 9 months and Austin at 7! But he said this is normal. He also said his head will round out eventually.

I'm still worried, but I need to learn to turn that worry into being proactive about it instead of dwelling in a "woe is me" state of mind. I just need to put him on his tummy consistently, and work with him on the floor. All I know is, when it comes down to it, my baby boy is perfect in my eyes. He makes me smile, laugh and feel an abundance of emotions I never thought I could feel.

After all, how could you not be head over heels in love with this face?

The Dreaded "C" Word

"That wont happen to us."

That's the thought that was circling my mind while Austin and I were watching "The Period of Purple Crying." It was required for us to watch before we could take Landon home from the hospital. I thought to myself, "Only crazy people who don't love their kids would ever shake their baby to death." I also thought Colic was something that only happened other people, not us. While we were watching the movie, Austin turned to me and said, "If our kid cries like that, I will shoot myself." I told him that wouldn't happen, our baby was perfect.

I'll tell you that video is worthless.

The very first night we brought Landon home, Austin, along with my sister, took the night shift so I could sleep. I awoke at 5am, to horrible crying. I walked into the nursery only to find Austin, sitting in the rocking chair trying to calm our son. He had been up all night with a terribly cranky baby, and he couldn't figure out what was wrong, he just kept crying. I told Austin to go to bed and I would try to calm our baby. I put him in his cradle swing and he slept for about 3 hours. I thought it was no big deal, newborns cry, that's just how it is.

But it didn't get better. Every day, every night, we would spend hours trying to calm our baby. The kind of cry was excruciating to listen too. It was the kind of cry that chilled you to the bone. You could tell he was in pain but we just couldn't help him.We found one thing that worked every time, and that was swinging him in his car seat, fast and high. I got blisters on my hands from endless nights of swinging. We tried soy formula, expensive hypoallergenic formula, goats milk, different brands. We tried gripe water, bottles that were supposedly "made" for Colic, we even took him to a Chiropractor that said he could cure colic. I read everything I could get my hands on about colic, thinking I could find an answer. We wasted so much money on things that never worked, but I would have paid millions to have my baby happy.

The worst was when I would try to visit friends who's babies were the same age as Landon, and they would be so happy, never cried, cooed and smiled at their moms. And Landon would cry during the whole visit. I felt like I was missing out on enjoying mommyhood, like he would never stop crying. My baby was hurting, and I couldn't help him. I was living in a nightmare.

I thrived on the brief moments when Landon was happy. I looked forward to those times when I could cuddle him in silence.

When Landon was about 2 months old, it dawned on me that Austin, along with his brother and my brother, were lactose intolerant. They would get horrible stomach aches whenever they drank milk. I thought, that's it. I drove to to the store and bought Similac Sensitive, in the liquid form. I immediately saw a difference. Within a week, I had the happy baby I had always longed for. I was in heaven! I praised God for finally allowing me to enjoy mommyhood.

I also couldn't have done it without my mom and sister. They came whenever I called, they took Landon so I could sleep. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through without them.

I will be posting more on Colic, and what I learned from it tomorrow.

Birth Day

Since I am going to try and dedicate this blog to chronicle my life as a mom, I may as well start at the beginning. And since it was one of the most exhilarating, exciting, and wonderful moments of my life, I would like to share it all with you; Landon's birth. Be prepared for a LONG post.

The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the most exciting yet horrifying days of my life. Even though we were trying to bring a life into this world, it's still a scary thought, the thought that you are solely responsible for another life from the moment you conceive. I had thought about the day I would give birth almost everyday throughout my pregnancy. I have to admit, I was pretty scared, but in a way I was looking forward to it. I just told myself, "Millions and millions of women do this every day, how bad can it be?" And it wasn't bad, it was extraordinary.

I had actually been having contractions for two weeks before I actually went into labor. The contractions didn't hurt per say, but they were doing what they were suppose to be doing. I had been doing everything I could do to induce labor, those last few weeks are not fun at all, and I wanted the baby out, now. I bounced on a yoga ball, walked several times a day, took EVPO, everything.

At my 37 week appointment, I was already 3cm dilated and 70% effaced. I had been having contractions all day, and they were about 15 min apart. Around midnight that night, I got Austin out of bed and told him we better get to the hospital, because my contractions were about 3 min apart and were getting pretty strong. We calmly walked out of the house with our bag and slowly drove to the hospital. A picture much different than portrayed in the movies. When we arrived, the nurse checked me and I was still only at a 3. She told me I would probably be sent home since I hadn't made any progress. I remember thinking to myself, "If this isn't the real thing, then how will I ever know when it is?" The nurse was just bringing us our discharge papers when my water broke. I looked at Austin and told him he better be ready. At about 5am, I got my epidural. The contractions never got so bad where I couldn't take it, but I knew more pain would come, so I went ahead with the epidural, and boy I'm glad I did. I wasn't making much progress so they gave me pitocin, which in turn made my contractions right on top of each other , which luckily, I couldn't feel. At about 1pm, they told me it was time to push. I was most scared of this. I guess I was afraid I wouldn't have the energy to push and I would push so hard I would pass out. Of course, none of this happened, although it was tiring, I only pushed for 30min and at 1:37 pm, Landon Lee Burns was brought into this world.

As soon as I saw him, I started to bawl. I was so enamored, and in love, that all I could do was cry. They didn't put him on my chest right away and took him to clean him off, which I was pretty upset about, but forgot about it as soon as they put him into my arms. It was love at first sight.

From that moment on, my life would forever be changed for the better.

And I can't wait to do it again.

Giving it a go

This will be my oh...3rd attempt at blogging. I have become quite passionate about a few things in the past months, and I want to share these things with the world, in hopes of making a difference. I don't want to hold back in this blog. I want to be able to voice my opinion, without fear of ridicule and judgment. Though I know these things are inevitable, I would like to try sharing my thoughts with the you, if you are even remotely interested in hearing them. Most of the time, I will share random ramblings from my clustered mind, but if you stick with me, you may just be entertained. So here goes an adventure I hope you will share with me, and I hope you will report back for an actual post tomorrow!